Hilarion Bourrelier had shared his confusion and anguish with Eugene, while he was spending time in Laus, and had later written to express his doubts and confusion. Eugene responded:
You could not please me more, my dear Bourrelier, than by writing to me and laying before me the troubles that disturb you and which you have fashioned for yourself in such a bad way. What good is there in tormenting yourself as you do over trifles? Had I not sufficiently reassured you in the interview we had at Notre Dame du Laus and how is it that, after these explanations, you have allowed thoughts to enter your heart as criminal as those which you reveal to me? I will not dwell on the expressions in your letter, I have shed tears of sorrow over them. My friend, have you thought whereof you speak?
He had just been ordained a priest a few months before, and had gone into crisis about not being worthy to live up to what was expected of him. Eugene calls these “criminal” thoughts that he has allowed to overcome him.
Can a priest speak in this manner? You have not a remote idea then of what you have become through the priesthood? I still tremble because of what I have read, of what you can say in cold blood…
Eugene’s evaluation is that Bourrelier was allowing himself to fall into temptation and the only way to resist was to remind himself of the spirit and importance of his vocation as a Christian, religious and priest.
My friend, my dear friend, how have you let yourself be seduced to this extent by the demon? Ah! I hasten to address to you the same words which were addressed in the Apocalypse [Rev. 2:4-5] to a bishop who was not fulfilling his duty, see how heavily you have fallen and do penance. Yes, my dear, do penance because you have sinned greatly. Renew yourself without delay in the spirit of your vocation.
Letter to Hilarion Bourrelier, 27 August 1821, EO VI n 71
Our situation is different but how often do we allow ourselves to lose sight of the purpose of our life and to be overwhelmed by negative situations and doubts that engulf and threaten to drown us! Eugene’s advice is still pertinent today: do penance, cut out the source of what is distracting and leading us into confusion. What a life-giving dignity we have thru our baptism and membership of the People of God and the state of life that we are called to live this by. We are constantly invited to focus on and renew ourselves in the spirit of our vocation.
“A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.” Ambrose Bierce
How true it is that we are often assailed with doubts and fears. We lose sight of our vocation and of what God is calling us to be. Sometimes it hardly makes sense. However due to the grace of God and the gift of community we find our way back. As an Oblate of Mary Immaculate, I really treausre the importance of my brothers in my community and through them, I learn to discern God’s will in my life. Hence the one of the gift that our founder left us is the spirit of charity among ourselves in community.
I am not sure if I want to laugh or cry, perhaps a bit of both. And although I would not use the words that Eugene uses I do agree with what he is saying somehow. Poor Bourrelier, but he too knew what he was doing when he wrote to Eugene of his struggles, I imagine he needed to hear what Eugene was telling him – for by then he would have known Eugene well enough to know what the response would be.
“What a life-giving dignity we have thru baptism and membership of the People of God and the state of life that we are called to live this by. We are constantly invited to focus on and renew ourselves in the spirit of our vocation.” Oh wow! This I want to take in and just sit with it. This past four days of retreat have been just that – an invitation to renew and strengthen myself in my vocation as a single woman living as an Oblate Associate. I have seen through eyes of love the incredible frailties and strengths of our shared loved in this awesome Mazenodian family and find myself strengthened and supported by it. I am humbled by it and find myself going out with a renewed sense of self, in God, and a renewed sense of purpose and life. No smouldering wicks today, but rather the flame burns brightly with joy and thanksgiving.