I WOULD NOT LET ANYTHING STAND IN MY WAY TO OVERCOME EVEN THE MOST DIFFICULT OBSTACLE

On entering the seminary, the 26 year-old Eugene wrote a “self-evaluation” for his spiritual director. Reading it from the vantage point of what we know about his life, it is interesting to see how he refers to the struggles within his personality. His strength of character was to make him a valiant founder, an enflamed inspirer of missionaries, a lion of a bishop who fought for the poor and for the rights of his flock. But one touches also the price he had to pay for his character and the shadows with which he had to struggle. He writes:

I am a lively and impetuous type of character. When I want something I want it very badly, I am impatient of the least hold up and I find delays unbearable. Firm in my resolutions, I chafe against anything that gets in the way of carrying them out, and I would not let anything stand in my way to overcome even the most difficult obstacle.
Obstinate in my desires and feelings, I rebel at the mere hint of opposition; if it persists and unless I am really sure that I am being opposed for a higher good, I become heated and then I find within myself new and hitherto unknown resources, I mean I acquire all of a sudden a remarkable fluency in the expression of my ideas which come all in a rush, although in my normal state I often have to dig for them, and express them but slowly. I experience the same facility when I am deeply moved by anything and really want others to share my feelings.
In sharp contrast to that, if instead of standing in my way someone gives way to me, I am completely disarmed and if I see that some embarrassment results for someone who held an unreasonable position against me, far from feeling triumphant, I do not rub it in by pressing home my arguments, I go out of my way rather to make excuses for him.
In either case, if I let slip some ungracious word, I am as upset as if I had committed a felony.
From this you can see that my character is generous, even just, but often excessively so, for I am naturally inclined to humble anyone who is too forward, and there is nothing I would not do to extol the merits of someone who is humble.

Self-evaluation written for his spiritual director in 1808, O.W. XIV n. 30

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1 Response to I WOULD NOT LET ANYTHING STAND IN MY WAY TO OVERCOME EVEN THE MOST DIFFICULT OBSTACLE

  1. Eleanor Rabnett, Oblate Associate says:

    My dear Eugene, I think in some ways you could have been my older brother, or perhaps a cousin, or a close friend who I grew up with and so I took on, copied a few of your characteristics. It is our similarities that I perhaps recognize and am drawn to for there is a part of me that understands you and which simply ignores the boundaries of gender, of education, of place, of age, etc. etc. It is the flaws, the weaknesses and not just the finer qualities. I have from the time I first heard of you been a follower if I can put it that way and I wanted to get to know you. I felt as I read your letter to Henri that you were speaking in part to me, so much did I identify with what I was hearing.

    You persevered and would not let go and for you this was right. It was acknowledged and blessed by the Church. Did you ever doubt? Did you ever ask God why he had chosen for you the life that he did? God has given so much love to me, more than I would ever have dreamed possible, more than I could ever conceive of. I can only take it, ask for more and then try to share it in the smallest ways possible. Sort of like the person who goes to the church early in the morning while it is still dark, to clean and dress the altar so that it will be right for those who come later to celebrate the Eucharist. So little, so hidden. This morning I wonder if there is any real true value to it or if it is simply window dressing. I do not seem capable of more. Not like your great preachers Eugene, who brought the very word of God to us.

    For the past while you know how I have fretted about mission and ministry, how what I believe to be called to is not exactly in line with the church (or perhaps some persons within the church). I find myself identifying and strangely loving those who the church seems determined to limit, box up and admit only with conditions. I daresay you too might have loved them dearly. Unlike you Eugene I have so little to give them other than myself, my love and understanding and perhaps standing with them. I cannot even say that I feel ‘sent’, more like I stumbled onto them.

    Every once in a while God gives me, through you and the Oblates an extra embrace, encouragement and nourishment. I am so very grateful. I seem unable to turn back. I think of the greatest gift God has ever given me and it was not with just any cross, but your cross, the Oblate cross. Such a wondrous gift beyond all imagination or dream. Who knew that love could inspire such tenderness and grace. Yes I am grateful – for the cross and how crazy is that.

    I wonder if I have taken my need to belong and used that as a “call”? I can only move forward and continue on and pray that I am where I am supposed to be. Continue to inspire me, show me how, and to pray for me. You once said that we must lead them first to act like human beings, then like Christians and the help them to become saints. You, and yours, you – you do this. This spoke so clearly to my heart. Such a gift as has been given to me in you and yet I am unable to share it.

    Saturday morning and I go out ready to serve in any variety of ways today, and yet curiously empty with absolutely nothing to give except myself and my presence. That little hidden lamp that I am to my neighbors feed – I think I could use one for myself right now. Pray for me Eugene.

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