Eugene’s reflections during his retreat lead him to see that he had certainly achieved many praiseworthy things in his ministry in Aix: preaching to the poor in Provençal, the successful youth congregation, his prison ministry, and his willingness to give up his life to minister to the needs of the dying Austrian prisoners. Yet, the danger is to take the honour for himself and not to see himself as God’s instrument.
That perhaps is what my treasure amounts to. These good works, these striking works for which men praise me, exalt me to the skies, these works which, if done solely for God, etc., would be in fact highly meritorious, coin of good alloy to exchange in expiation for and wipe out my numerous, enormous sins, these works, by the sole fact that in one way or another I want to attribute to myself a share of their glory, come perhaps to nothing, and that always supposing that they were begun for fitting motives and that self-love was not their chief motivation, for if I did not act for him and through him, these works despite all appearances were but sins.
He turns to God in prayer, asking for the grace to do everything for God.
Good God! to whom indeed alone belong honour and glory, do not permit this disorder. I am the least of your slaves, I say this with conviction, nothing is due me but opprobrium, henceforth I wish to act only for you, solely for you. I would simply be my own worst enemy were I to think otherwise. What I will pay particular attention to will be never to say anything that might make me well-thought of, tempt me to attribute to myself some part of that glory that belongs to you.
Retreat Journal, December 1814, O.W. XV n.130
Again the strong passionate language and although it is extreme I do understand in a sense why Eugene writes and was as he was. That “all or nothing” way of being which he certainly seemed to personify to me.
I know from my own experience, how easy it is and has been for me to listen sometimes to persons who might talk about how good I am or some of the wonderful things I have done or even some of the ‘great hardships’ I have overcome. It is so easy to dwell on those things in an unhealthy way. And it is a trap that I (and I guess others) have to be aware of and guard against – always. It is never all good or all bad.
After awhile – those edges soften as do the words that we use and how we go about living them. It all seems to be a part of the process of becoming truthfully self aware of ourselves and God – ‘separate’ and yet ‘together’. A part of becoming fully aware of the together which I sense Eugene was able to come to before he died. That ‘all for God as a co-operator of the Saviour’.