In Eugene’s assessment of the year he is hard on himself. He judges himself to have been out of balance in his dedication of time to others, and is aware that some of the weaknesses of his character became too obvious as a result.
Once more in this retreat I shall have to lay down an iron rule for my use of time. I acknowledge that I have let myself wander too easily from the order I laid down for myself. No one will deny that it is good to be always ready to serve one’s neighbour, but this year this service has been a veritable slavery, and I am much to blame for it. Complacency pushed too far degenerates into weakness, and its consequences are unfortunate in the extreme, as they end up leading one into time-wasting.
I must fix for myself a rule of conduct with my young people. Work on the virtue of gentleness, on mortification in the use of my tongue when I am crossed, on humility, self-love, etc., hunt it down precisely when it conceals itself, retrieve myself by prayer, office, mass, preparation, thanksgiving, reading Holy Scripture, pious reading, the examen, in a word leave no stone unturned, for I need reformation in everything.
Retreat Journal, December 1814, O.W. XV n.130
I think I understand a little of what Eugene is saying here. On first reading it sounds a little extreme. Eugene was an “all or nothing” type of person. So he recognized how he could and did get caught up in the “doing”, in his good works and how that could be to his own detriment sometimes.
Eugene, in truth, recognizes and is aware of his own weaknesses, he knows full well the inner sorrow they can bring. He is not being harsh in his self assessment, just truthful. I think that the greatest part of all of this is that he also realises and is aware of what he needs to do to be okay in himself and so in God. This is how he will come to give his “all” for God.
I see these extremes as a beginning – they are interspersed with the softening of wisdom and love. They come from the fervor, the fire, of his love for God and the living it out.