In the previous paragraph, Eugene had meditated on why the Oblates exist. The purpose, or end, was to continue the mission of Jesus and his disciples by imitating their methods.
The means that we employ to attain this end share in the excellence of this end, again they are unquestionably the most perfect since they are precisely those same means used by our divine Saviour, his Apostles and his first disciples, that is to say the exact practice of the evangelical counsels, preaching and prayer, a happy blend of the active and contemplative life of which Jesus Christ and the Apostles have set us an example, which is without doubt by that fact alone the pinnacle of the perfection that God has given us the grace of possessing, and of which our Rules are but the development.
It means thus steeping ourselves in the spirit of these Rules and to arrive at that one must make it the subject of our habitual meditations.
Retreat notes, October 1831, EO XV n. 163
An invitation to share in the balance and equilibrium that Jesus teaches us.
This journey with Eugene is opening windows and doors, and removing walls that I thought I had gotten past.
The past weekend has been a difficult and humbling experience for me. There was not perfection, no pinnacle. Like this morning – no beautiful or meaningful words and a small inability to be able to grasp what Eugene is saying – it is a bit like walking in the fog.
Having to face limitations and inabilities has always been hard and it would seem it remains that way. Still a desire within me to be perfect and as I write this I recognize the truth of that. This weekend I realised that I was not able to do something that others could. I lost my cool because I seemed to be unable to ‘pretend’, to wear a mantle of ‘everything is okay and I can do this’. Yet in the midst of that there was grace. I went to Mass – not so much because it was the only thing that I could do – I went because I needed to sit and be with Jesus in a very specific way. I felt raw and vulnerable and had to fight not turning in on myself. Then before the consecration it was as if Jesus embraced and kissed me – I was being drawn in and held and a degree of calmness seemed to envelope me. At this moment thinking about it I remember the figures of a couple depicted in the Illuminated Crowd sculpture with the man, husband figure standing behind a woman, they were close – he with his arms around her and she leaning back into him; he could have been getting ready simply to kiss the top of her head. That’s where I found myself at Mass, being held, comforted, loved, and okay. An immense gift that was to allow me to continue to respond to an invitation to share in the balance and equilibrium of Jesus. From there I was able to see the depth and beauty of others that were studying the same that I was studying and how they were such a gift, and how much of a gift it is for me to be able to walk with them. That gift of immense grace and love that God gave to me – I carried it with me for the remainder of the weekend and it was this that allowed me to stand tall in the dignity by Beloved had bestowed.
I begin this day – another Monday, another start or restart in so many ways. I want to carry that image of the couple with me, I want to be able to continue to recognize the beauty of those that I walk with – not in such a way that I demolish my own beauty, but in a way that honours all of us.