In the midst of a letter to Fr. Jeancard, in which he discusses Oblate affairs, Eugene has a moment of personal sharing that reveals the level of his suffering.
When will my anguish end? Since All Saints 1828, I have not spent a day that has not been steeped in bitterness.
The illness and death of Marius Suzanne and the subsequent sickness and near-death of Hippolyte Courtès had so weakened him that he had fallen dangerously ill himself and nearly died. Months of slow convalescence in Grans were continued as he transferred to his sister’s home in St. Martin de Palliéres.
The past, the present, the future are alike in weighing down my heart; I do not conceive how I can exist. However my strength returns and seems to stay proportionate with my need to sustain such great trials. I have been in pain all the time I have lived … am better since being here; but they nag me to get out of this mood.
What would I go and do elsewhere? The doctor absolutely does not wish me to be occupied. Ah! if the good God had wished to permit that I die when all accounts had been settled, how much grief he might have spared me,
A dark moment of depression in his life, made worse by the serious chest illness of his 19 year-old niece, Nathalie – the reason why he spent some months at his sister’s home.
but may his holy will be done, I say this with entire submission, in spite of all the revolting of a nature deprived of all its most legitimate affections. But I have not taken up my pen to discourse with you about my sorrows.
Letter to Jacques Jeancard, 26 September 1829, EO VII n 337
Even in his darkest moments, Eugene’s faith in the light of the Savior never wavered. He had been embraced by Jesus on the Cross, and he recognized and lived his response of oblation in every situation.
Eugene seemed to me to have had several periods of prolonged struggle and anguish in his life which affected not only his spirit but also his body. I am wondering if it was perhaps that his life was catching up with him. He gave and gave and gave – both spiritually and physically and then he needed time to recoop. His spirit had been in shreds when Marius Suzanne died and Hippolyte Courtes almost died – he had not given up, but had suffered greatly with this and time was needed to ‘get better’.
A wild thought that his illness I am sure did not appear to be connected to the spiritual and yet as Frank said his faith never wavered. I dare to say it grew deeper in this period of anguish that he endured and was preparation for what was to come.
I remember back 30 years ago while I was visiting Madonna House. I got sick – not with an ailment that was visible but I suffered from burn-out. I did not understand it at the time and I do not even now know what sparked it. It was not as black a period as Eugene’s nor was I gravely ill as he but I needed to recoop, grow stronger, take time to just be. They sent me home and for months I did very little. I had spent most of my life up to that point trying to survive – violence, extreme addictions, lawlessness of my body and soul – all without hope or recognizable love. I then sobered up, got off the drugs, started to change my life in a most radical manner and – I met God. I fell madly and wildly in love with Him and all of my energy and life was focussed on Jesus. I gave away everything I owned except for one suitcase of clothes which I took with me as I crossed the country to go to Madonna House. It was at Madonna House where I met our crucified Christ on the cross and fell in love all over again, this time more deeply and more focussed. Then at some point my body simply said ‘enough – I need to stop and get better’. My whole body and soul needed time to simply be and heal.
The gift of Eugene to all of us, or to me at the very least has been the sharing of his ‘humanness’. I am constantly amazed at how his life – joys and struggles resonate with me on some level. There is an immense grace in all of that and great inner healing as time goes by. Isn’t it awesome how we come to know ourselves through others!