I have pretended up to now to have mislaid my stomach, and I have been quite successful in this. I believed an habitual fast, working though I was, was not doing me any harm at all; I was wrong. And so, those meals taken in the twinkling of an eye, all that gets me nowhere. Everything must have its time. That kind of behaviour is a real disorder.
If I sleep and eat, I am persuaded my chest will stop paining me. I should stop short at nothing for the welfare of this instrument that is indispensable to a missionary.
That is enough for that section, it is already too long, but one must give it due attention.
Retreat Notes, July-August 1816, O.W. XV n 139
From time to time Eugene would forget his resolution as Yvon Beaudoin tells us:
Exhausted by the sermons and confessions which, at times, lasted for twenty-four hours in ice-cold churches, Father de Mazenod nevertheless claimed that he rested better by lying on the planks of his bed; on settling down in a place, the first thing he hastened to do was to remove the mattress and pillow immediately.
In spite of the cold and all the remonstrances Fortuné made, he could not be persuaded to clothe warmly. “He obstinately refused to let a brand new knitted vest be put into his traveling bag in place of the one he was wearing, which was so worn and in such poor condition that he wouldn’t even give it to a beggar. He is terribly stubborn about certain things and what makes it all the more exasperating is that no one will ever change him. Consequently, in order not to be uselessly upset, I have decided not to cross him on anything any more, and I now simply recommend him to God.”
I too am sent – by God – perhaps not in the same way as Eugene was sent – becoming a priest and founder… nor was I sent to take my place within the sacrament of marriage or as a religious…
Like Eugene I too am sent by God: not as a Founder or priest or within the sacrament of marriage or any other external way of being seen or measured… I was sent to love, those who were not touched by some of the structures of our Church… those who have not heard Jesus say their name… those who were brought up to believe they were unlovable… those who appeared to be too different when looked at through eyes that only measure rather than love…
Like Eugene I too am guilty of forgetting to take care of my body, ensuring that I get enough rest and remaining vigilant to caring for my own weaknesses, physical, emotional and mental.
I used to say to my siblings that maybe our father needed to be in the arms of the Beloved before he could ask for forgiveness and so we could only pray for him. As Beaudoin wrote: “I have decided not to cross him on anything anymore, and I now simply recommend him to God.”
I too “..should stop short at nothing for the welfare of this instrument that is indispensable to a missionary.” That means though that quite imperfect as I am, there will be times where depression and unseen ailments seem to want to overtake me. I too require the recommendation of myself to God by others and I too need to continue to learn to let go of that which I tend to measure as impossible to overcome, and to allow God to work within this poor vessel that he created to hold me.