Eugene’s retreat meditation led him to reflect on his stewardship – using the parable of the head of the household who entrusted talents to his stewards. Although he had managed well and efficiently, Eugene feels sad because he had not achieved as much grace as he should have.
I have achieved a lot, it is true, overcome big obstacles, conquered insurmountable difficulties, good and very much good came of it. Yes, I cannot deny it, but it is at my own expense. I was better, or to phrase it better, incomparably less evil at the beginning of my ministry when I had still achieved practically nothing, than now when I have achieved much. What to conclude fromthis reasoning? That not only am I an unprofitable servant, but an unfaithful servant, that I may have done what I was obliged to do, but did not do it as I ought, since certainly the first condition of the work the Head of the Household imposed on me was that in carrying out His work I should pursue my own sanctification which one does not attain in our holy state otherwise than by advancing in perfection. So here I am arrived at my fiftieth year with empty hands, since I have been unable to enrich myself in my regular management of the treasures, even as I increased their value to the head of the household, but not with good interest as it should have been since, once again, as I look closely at myself, I find myself poorer today than the first day of my administration, “villicationis meae” [ed. my account of stewardship].
Retreat journal before being consecrated bishop, 7-14 October 1832, EO XV n 166
I awoke during the night thinking that I should get up and rewrite my Reflection for this coming Sunday’s readings. I was and still am sure that I have missed the mark and wondering why I am unable to give what I have received in such abundance. I have emptied myself in order to be able to receive God’s word and then to speak of those words, to share what they might mean. I fear that when I do share them it will like opening my hands and seeing how empty they are.
Here am I Lord – preparing to speak about your lavish and abundant love, of all the riches you give to us – even as I look inward only to find emptiness. Eugene spoke of his own sanctification, his own perfection. He surely was achieving it even though he did not recognize it.
My mind goes to Jesus for a moment – his oblation – his giving of his all for the sanctification of everyone else. He seemed in his dying, in his crucifixion to have failed and yet he was resurrected. The only one – he was resurrected. I cannot get those thoughts out of my mind. Eugene – headed where he was – only to be seen once he had passed through the trial of fire he would be exposed to.
I reread Eugene’s words. He gave himself totally to God – even though he did not see it that way. I will finish my reflection on Sunday with a short poem by Margaret Halaska OSF – called “Covenant”. It seems to express God’s ongoing seduction of Eugene as he prepared for the next step in his life. Funny – I included it because it shows my own ongoing dance with God and the times when my hands seem to be empty.