Eugene recalls his childhood and sees there the origin of the strong character that was characteristic of him all the days of his life. Without this, would he have achieved what he did for the Church, the Oblates and the Diocese?
Nature is best observed during infancy when it is evolving artlessly. Thus the absolute, resolute and wilful calibre of my character is deducible from the following traits. When I wanted something, I did not beg or wheedle or cajole. I called for what I wanted in an imperious tone as if I had a right to it. If I was refused I would not cry. Crying was as rare with me as laughter, but I acted up, and tried to take by force what was not given me by consent.
When I was four one of my uncles brought me to the theatre. I was annoyed at the din they were making down below. I am told that standing on tiptoe to find out where the noise was coming from, I sharply addressed the whole audience down below with these words spoken in a tone that brought an explosion of laughter from all in the box: “tout are se descendi”! If I have to come down there!
Nothing was ever to be got out of me by chastisement, you had either to play up to my self love or get through to my heart.
Self-evaluation written for his spiritual director in 1808, O.W. XIV n. 30
Eugene knew himself so well at such an early age. It always amazes me, his self awareness. He did not apologise for who he was, simply stated it, this is who I am. In contrast it has taken me most of my life simply to be able to look at who I am, and only then with a tremendous amount of love and prodding from others around me. Self-worth, self-acceptance and love has a lot to do with being able to look at ourselves and see who we are, our strengths and our weaknesses.
Unlike Eugene it is doubtful I shall ever make a big splash in a small puddle, let-alone a large one and I can easily say that is okay. But there seems within me a great desire to be noticed, and loved by many. I want to do some good and make some changes, make a difference. I am in some ways still trying to earn my way, and yet the deepest part of me knows, absolutely with all my being knows that is not necessary and is absolutely and indisputably impossible. But that need, my ego….
I hope that I do not allow these needs, these weaknesses to rule my life. I don’t like to think so. Yesterday I received the gift of being able to spend time with two friends, a small thing but so huge. Wonderful wonderful people, who like myself are very human but oh so beautiful – did I just say that and include myself in that? Yes and I will let it stand, although there is a part of me who says that I should not say that about myself. But I will let it stand. Do I believe it? Sort of, perhaps a little bit, I want to. There is in me, deep down a place where I believe it to be true. I will from there move out into my day – to give thanks and try to be the person I have been created to be, the person as seen through the eyes of my Saviour. If I can manage, if I can allow that then I won’t need to be making any splashes.
O Immaculate Heart of Mary, Queen of heaven and earth, Mother of God …. It might not be the title you would ask for, but I suspect that because it has been given you accept it as part of who you are. It is not an ego thing. I think of the words of the Magnificat which you yourself sang “…all generations will call me holy…”. No not an ego thing but rather an acknowledgement of what God has given, what God has done for you. It is who you are, just as when I hear God call me Beloved I take it in and acknowledge that, there is a truth that is part of humility. O Immaculate Heart of Mary, Queen of heaven and earth, Mother of God and Maman, teach me how to allow the Heart of Jesus to rule and triumph in me and around me, as it has ruled and triumphed in you.