At the time of his conversion, we find nothing in what we have of Eugene’s writings on this theme. It is only several years later, when he was in the seminary and after his priestly ordination that we have some references as he looked back. To his mother he had written, for example:
you must have seen that I began to move out of that state of tepidity into which I had fallen and which would infallibly have led to my death
Letter to his mother, 23-24 March 1809 EO XIV n 49
It was in the Ignatian retreat that he did in December 1814 that he reflected on and wrote about his conversion, some 7 or 8 years before. On the very first day of this retreat, he wrote about his prayer:
I meditated on man’s end. Passably well. I stayed most with the following thoughts: that God created me, and indeed could only have created me for himself, that he fashioned me according to his designs to make use of me in what he knew would contribute to his Glory and procure my salvation. While as for me, until the time of my conversion, my sole preoccupation was to destroy his work, and in this I was only too successful. Thus I went against all his plans, by my fault; I had even rendered the attainment of some of them an impossibility for the future…
Since my conversion there has been, it is true, a certain change, but I have nothing to be complacent about in my actions; how far I am indeed from bringing to them the purity of intention God demands. I am not yet, – indeed, far from it – immersed in God. Always I find self where I should count for nothing.
Retreat Journal, December 1814, O.W. XV n.130
In the context of the Ignatian Exercises, during which Eugene wrote this meditation, Fleming speaks about the conversion process: “As Ignatius tried to point out, this conversion movement is so basic to Christian living that people need to return to it over and over again…. it is God who calls and graces us again with the newness of this conversion moment. Ignatius, for all his careful structuring of the Exercises, never lets us forget that God is always the director of the movement.”
“Conversion is a change of masters. Will we not do as much for our new master, the Lord Jesus, as we did once for our old tyrant lusts?” Charles Spurgeon
To be fully “immersed in God”. Finding self “where I should count for nothing”. What is Eugene saying to us this morning? There is a part of all this that I am struggling with and it is the ‘counting for nothing’ part.
I think of Jesus and Nathanael saying ‘can anything good come out of Nazareth?’ Jesus the son of a carpenter – Jesus the son of God who gave his all, died for us. And I look again at Eugene who was becoming a very good young man and who eventually found himself wanting and needing to give his ‘all’ for God and who over the course of his life did that for he lived out who God called him to be. And I remember myself and my first fervor, I was on fire. I think back to some of my own writings to how I would speak of ‘being a sinner’ which some people did not want to hear. They needed only to be able to go a little deeper to understand me.
For all my struggles I am not so very different from Eugene. Would I not sit and talk with God, telling him to take all of me, to empty my heart and then fill it with his own? I knew exactly what I meant and it went so much deeper than just the words. I expect it was the same with Eugene.
Who we are. We are humans and it is with the graces given us by God that we are able to fully immerse ourselves in that same God. It is with those graces that we count for everything. We do need to return to it over and over again because it is never just a ‘one time event’. And here I see the grace accorded to us in being human. There is something incredibly wondrous and holy in this if – when we allow ourselves to become permeated with God.
Listening to the radio this morning, there was a conversation about ecological needs of the planet, the resources we are treacherously stretching close to (if not already past) points of no return. One speaker commented that we need to keep a sense of fear in ourselves, otherwise we can slip into complacency, no longer feeling we must DO something, as things are not “so” bad. The second speaker noted that more can be done through optimism and a feeling of empowerment – we CAN do something to stop the slippery slide into ecological devastation.
The reason I tell you this is that I thought about the radio broadcast upon reading this post (“…here has been, it is true, a certain change, but I have nothing to be complacent about in my actions….”) and Eleanor’s comment (“…a part of all this that I am struggling with and it is the ‘counting for nothing’ part.”)
In our current world – that is, in the 1st world western democracies – we have a bountiful life and lifestyle, where we lack for little, often except for perhaps humility in the understanding of how much we have been given. I think that it is in this abundance and lack of general trials and tribulations in our daily lives that we can easily become complacent in our religious life as well. I know that I probably shouldn’t speak in generalization for others – but it is as though we often do our little part of going to weekly Mass, saying grace before meals, perhaps a prayer before bed and maybe in the morning, are largely “good” people, perhaps are active within our small communities and think “I am a good person. Of course I will get to heaven!”. Somehow to me that is a sign of one level of faith that is good as a basis but needs the constant reinvestigation of “what more could/should I do”. Am I giving (physically, financially, spiritually) from my abundance only, or does it actually cost me something.
There are of course those who truly are working at perfecting themselves in the eyes of God, and those like me, who may see that there is much more I could be doing, (“how far I am indeed from bringing to them the purity of intention God demands. I am not yet, – indeed, far from it – immersed in God. “), but with the ease of my life, like Gone With the Wind’s heroine Scarlet say “I’ll think about it tomorrow”.