I CANNOT ACCEPT THE LEAST COMPROMISE IN ANYTHING TO DO WITH DUTY

More character insights from Eugene’s 1808 self-evaluation at the age of 26:

If I am in the wrong and someone tells me off with a superior or triumphalistic kind of attitude, I will not accept it, and come up with reasons, albeit specious, to cover up my mistake.
But if I am corrected by someone with an air and attitude of goodwill and friendship, I will not say a single word in my defence, and I will frankly acknowledge that I could have done better, been more thoughtful or expressed myself better.
By nature I am inclined to severity, quite determined never to allow myself the least self-indulgence, but at the same time strongly inclined not to suffer it in others too. I cannot accept the least compromise in anything to do with duty. Death, and I mean this literally, death should seem preferable to me to transgressing an important duty.
I hate jealousy and regard it as a vice unworthy of a generous heart. And so I am pleased when others show excellence, even outstanding excellence. If they shine in some field that is new to me, I try to push myself to imitate them. If I can see beforehand that it would be futile to make the effort, I am angry with myself for having wasted my time when I was young and because I am stupidly limited to certain kinds of knowledge only.

Self-evaluation written for his spiritual director in 1808, O.W. XIV n. 30

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1 Response to I CANNOT ACCEPT THE LEAST COMPROMISE IN ANYTHING TO DO WITH DUTY

  1. Eleanor Rabnett, Oblate Associate says:

    I find myself humbled by Eugene’s honesty and courage, I think it takes great and unending measures of each to look at ones self and see not only the weaknesses, but to also then write them down, to share them, becoming naked before God and man alike. Another way of Eugene giving his all to God.

    I find myself being filled with gratitude for Eugene’s honesty, his daring both within himself, with God, and with the rest of the world, all of us. It is hope filled, life-giving, inspirational and invitational. In reading Eugene’s examination of himself I am invited to do no less with my own life, look and admit to my own strengths and weaknesses – I am a combination of both. There is great comfort in recognizing that I am not alone and that another has struggled/struggles with the same as I. That on it’s own is huge – and is I am sure, one of the reasons I come here each day to ponder, struggle, admit and share my thoughts – I most surely am not alone in this and perhaps another will happen upon these pages and recognize themselves.

    Once written, once owned, and perhaps once shared out loud. As Eugene’s reflection has with me, this could become an opportunity, an invitation to another to know and embrace their full selves. I believe there is a real strength and a very real grace in being able to look at ourselves, the goodness as well as the other, accept both and continue to live out life fully. There is the dying and there is the new life that follows. It is freeing and I find myself moving away from this place but taking it with me, filled with gratitude, hope and joy. God has gentled my heart and I can look at the wonders of this new day as it unfolds before me.

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