1802 – At the insistence of his mother, Eugene returned to France at the age of 20. His mother had divorced his father in order to regain the family wealth from the Revolutionary authorities who had confiscated the properties of the nobility.
Eugene threw himself into the lifestyle of a young nobleman. He had no sense of direction and one finds him alternating between a life of pleasure and a life of boredom with no future prospects.
There is not a single girl who suits me in Aix… And above all, the one I want must be very rich, and that is difficult to find.
Letter to his father, 10 May 1804, Mejanes Library Aix
How can one have enough of the pleasures that the charming city of Aix presents me with ?
Letter to his father, 27 January 1804, Mejanes Library Aix
Take all that into account, and you will see that one could die of pleasure in Aix..
Letter to his father, 18 January 1805, Mejanes Library Aix
It has to be said, this repugnance is also due to the fact that it is not in my character to spend my life planting cabbages. I have the feeling that I am not where I should be, and I get angry when I see the best years of my life draining away in idle obscurity. You can judge yourself if I should be bright and cheerful when you know that these thoughts go round and round in my head whenever I am alone..
Letter to his father, 12 April 1804, Mejanes Library Aix
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You can have a “Saint Eugene speaks” app on your ipad by going to http://myapp.is/Eugenespeaks ON YOUR TABLET and following the instructions
To be so lost – this in one that we are used to being totally focused.
You have to hand it to Eugene – he seems to have given the “good life” his best efforts. I wonder the effect that Don Bartolo in Venice had on him in a lasting sort of a way – for there he immersed himself in spiritual study and a base was forming. I remember early on in AA them telling us that a little bit of sobriety would ruin any attempt at being able to ever again enjoying drinking (for some of us – running, coping in unhealthy ways, covering pain). By that they meant that even if we went back drinking, we had already a small taste of sobriety and that we would never be able to drink the same way again and for me that proved to be true and not just with my drinking.
“…the best years of my life draining away in idle obscurity….” The definition of obscurity can be “the state of being unknown, inconspicuous, or unimportant”. Not what I think of when I look at Eugene. And yet, am I not secretly fearing that very thing, of being unknown, unimportant, un-enough. Secretly fearing that in truth not “doing” will result in that, that the “being” is not enough. It all seems to show its face when I am struggling, caught unawares, wanting to run and at my weakest. There it is in all of this – that letting go.
I was secretly unimpressed when Frank came back to the early days of Eugene’s life but thought that maybe there might be something for me to reflect on anyways. I should have known! I read what I have written, a little embarrassed and surprised, not where I expected or maybe even wanted to go with this posting, but there it is. Once thought, once said, it can’t be ignored for it is no longer obscure.